Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Needs to Play Her Flute On the Campaign Trail

1. Her playing proves that she’s no better than anyone else.
2. Music will soothe the savage beasts screaming “terrorist” and “kill him” from the audience.
3. What better way to keep those smile muscles in shape!
4. Tina Fey plays a mean “Hustle” on the flute and look at how popular she is.
5. She’ll be looking for a new day job after November 4th.
6. It’ll give all those flutists on Facebook’s “Flutists Against Sarah Palin” something to be jealous about, ya betcha!
7. Because she’s a “flautist” and that’s not elitist.
8. When she poses for pictures while holding a flute, the flute doesn’t hide her breasts.
9. It helps to differentiate her from pitbulls in lipstick. Pitbulls attack notes less aggressively.
10. Improvise here: Either “It keeps the witchcraft away.” Or take it up an octave: “Because her piccolo playing makes babies cry.”

Top Ten Methods the McCain-Palin Ticket Employs to Incite Mob Violence

1. Informs American women that facial hair removal will not be included in the Obama-Biden health care plan.
2. Starts a smear campaign associating Barack Obama with Pontius Pilate, Benedict Arnold, Aaron Burr, Lee Harvey Oswald, Marcus Junius Brutus, Darth Vader, Judas Iscariot, Adolph Hitler, and Todd and Sarah Palin.
3. Tells us that we are all prisoners of evil forces that feed us a simulated reality called the FoxMatrix.
4. Sends Sarah and Todd Palin to Flint, Michigan where they stand on a street corner and say, “The economy is fundamentally strong.”
5. Instead of handing out those six-packs, has Sarah Palin play the extended, dance version of “The Homecoming” on her flute as the warm-up to their political rallies.
6. Gives Brad Hanson Sarah Palin’s new cell phone number so they can catch up on old times.
7. Goes to a crowded  movie theater and yells, “Hussein! Black man! Fire!“.
8. Puts the White House up for sale on EBay and sells it at a loss.
9. Tells all those people fleeing to Alaska for the End Times and Rapture that they will not qualify for rebate checks.
10. John will put on some heels, take off his gloves, and do a strip tease with his old “Flame of Florida” at a VFW event.

Sarah Palin, “Gotcha” Flutist

Sarah and I have a lot in common. We are both born in 1964. And we both play the flute. I remember when “The Homecoming” was a popular piece among flutists, so I’m not surprised that Sarah selected the piece to play in the Miss Alaska pagent.

So let me put my cards on the table. Sarah should be congratulated for learning an instrument. That’s a universal positive and it’s increasingly rare to find instrumentalists.

But, Sarah, it’s another “gotcha” situation on video. There’s no surer way to get flutists’ embouchures puckered out of shape than by evoking the great controversies:

1. “flutist” vs “flautist”
2. Galway vs Rampal

Poor John McCain. Is he going to have to sit in with you on your next set? Your answers put you right in the elitist camp. Remember: You are the champion of Joe six-pack. Okay, you’re Joe six-pack with hundreds of thousands of dollars in retirement accounts and an airplane and 26 vehicles registered in your name and Todd’s. But it’s still beer, not a six-pack of fine California wine.

So remember: Joe six-pack likes a “flutist” and listens exclusively to Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull.

Update: New rationales for Sarah playing her flute on the campaign trail!