Archive for the ‘Top Ten Lists’ Category

The Top 10 “L-Words” Used to Describe Sarah Palin

October 14, 2008
  1. Loathsome
  2. Lousy
  3. Lethal
  4. Licentious
  5. Lacking
  6. Lawless
  7. Lurid
  8. Lummox
  9. Lumpenproletariat
  10. Liar — courtesy of Rachel Maddow — in all its variations: lying, lie.

Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Needs to Play Her Flute On the Campaign Trail

October 12, 2008
  1. Her playing proves that she’s no better than anyone else.
  2. Music will soothe the savage beasts screaming “terrorist” and “kill him” from the audience.
  3. What better way to keep those smile muscles in shape!
  4. Tina Fey plays a mean “Hustle” on the flute and look at how popular she is.
  5. She’ll be looking for a new day job after November 4th.
  6. It’ll give all those flutists on Facebook’s “Flutists Against Sarah Palin” something to be jealous about, ya betcha!
  7. Because she’s a “flautist” and that’s not elitist.
  8. When she poses for pictures while holding a flute, the flute doesn’t hide her breasts.
  9. It helps to differentiate her from pitbulls in lipstick. Pitbulls attack notes less aggressively.
  10. Improvise here: Either “It keeps the witchcraft away.” Or take it up an octave: “Because her piccolo playing makes babies cry.”

Top Ten Methods the McCain-Palin Ticket Employs to Incite Mob Violence

October 9, 2008
  1. Informs American women that facial hair removal will not be included in the Obama-Biden health care plan.
  2. Starts a smear campaign associating Barack Obama with Pontius Pilate, Benedict Arnold, Aaron Burr, Lee Harvey Oswald, Marcus Junius Brutus, Darth Vader, Judas Iscariot, Adolph Hitler, and Todd and Sarah Palin.
  3. Tells us that we are all prisoners of evil forces that feed us a simulated reality called the FoxMatrix.
  4. Sends Sarah and Todd Palin to Flint, Michigan where they stand on a street corner and say, “The economy is fundamentally strong.”
  5. Instead of handing out those six-packs, has Sarah Palin play the extended, dance version of “The Homecoming” on her flute as the warm-up to their political rallies.
  6. Gives Brad Hanson Sarah Palin’s new cell phone number so they can catch up on old times.
  7. Goes to a crowded  movie theater and yells, “Hussein! Black man! Fire!“.
  8. Puts the White House up for sale on EBay and sells it at a loss.
  9. Tells all those people fleeing to Alaska for the End Times and Rapture that they will not qualify for rebate checks.
  10. John will put on some heels, take off his gloves, and do a strip tease with his old “Flame of Florida” at a VFW event.

Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Will Not Appear on Saturday Night Live

October 9, 2008
  1. It’s filmed at night and that’s when witchcraft is most powerful.
  2. It’s on a Saturday and she will be sharing Shabbot  with Jews for Jesus leader David Brinker.
  3. It’s a live show. Remember when Sinead O’Connor appeared on SNL?
  4. It’s in New York City and the state of Alaska has already told her that she cannot bill them for a per diem if she goes there.
  5. Er … she doesn’t have a sense of humor about herself and they think she’ll be a flop?
  6. Her flute is in the shop getting repaired.
  7. Madonna will be the surprise musical guest.
  8. John McCain’s been making goo-goo eyes at Tina Fey so Sarah’s afraid to leave his side.
  9. Todd is worried that she’ll develop an affair of the heart with Lorne Michaels.
  10. She’ll be down the street getting ready for her interview with David Letterman.

Update October 11th: Let’s add number 11 for luck. Do you think her reception will be any better than the one she received when she dropped the puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game? The SNL studio band will not be able to drown out the boos.

Top Ten Ways McCain Will Distract Voters as We Near Election Day

October 7, 2008
  1. Arrange for aliens to abduct and artificially inseminate Sarah Palin.
  2. Have Pastor Muthee suspend his prayers and allow witchcraft to cast a sleeping spell over all undecided voters.
  3. Repeat the word “maverick” over 1,476 times during the remaining debates to incapacitate Obama supporters with alcohol poisoning during drinking games.
  4. Pay Track Palin $20 to let the air out of all the tires of the Army’s humvees thus ending the the war in Iraq.
  5. Knuckle-bump Sarah Palin while on the campagin trail.
  6. Have Cindy McCain adopt half of the registered voters in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Virginia, and Florida.
  7. Promote a Todd Palin / Kimbo Slice cage match.
  8. Send Sarah Palin to band camp until she learns how to play the flute in tune.
  9. Make a surprise announcement that he is suspending Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.
  10. Put on some heels, take off his gloves, and do a strip tease with his old “Flame of Florida”.