Archive for the ‘national enquirer’ Category

National Enquirer Breaking News: Thank God She’s Back

October 10, 2008

Thank goodness: I was starting to go into Sarah Palin withdrawal. Jamie Lynn Spears having another baby just doesn’t cut it for me.

I don’t believe that this will make the October 20th issue, but the latest breaking story from the National Enquirer is that Todd Palin has been calling the shots in Juneau, not Sarah. This allegation is allegedly gleaned from documents obtained from the Associated Press. It is not clear if this headline is derived from Todd Palin’s affidavit given as part of the legislative Troopergate investigation or if this is yet another unreleased document. But the National Enquirer purports that the documents reveal a state government where Sarah Palin was  absent from daily activities as Todd Palin met with Sarah’s top aides. The McCain-Palin campaign has made the repeated claim that Sarah Palin’s two years as governor has given her extensive executive experience.

In his sworn affivadit to Troopergate special investigative counsel Stephen Branchflower, Todd Palin has claimed to have “hundreds” of conversation about his ex-brother-in-law state trooper Mike Wooten. Todd’s conversations, too numerous for him to recall in detail, were with family, friends, and senior officials in his wife’s administration. Todd wished for Trooper Wooten to lose his job during and after Wooten’s divorce from Sarah’s sister, Molly. Troopergate is an investigation into whether or not Sarah abused her authority and dismissed former Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walkter Monegan out of retaliation for not firing her ex-brother-in-law. Troopergate investigators have shown interest in Todd’s extensive and persistent contacts with government officials to get Trooper Wooten fired.

Alaskan State Senate officials chastised the McCain-Palin campaign and Todd Palin’s lawyer for leaking Todd’s affidavit under the condition that the leak be kept anonymous. Senate officials charged the McCain-Palin campaign with blatantly politicizing an investigation which they have tried repeated to block. To date, Todd’s affidavit has been the only piece of testimony released from the legislative investigation. Special counsel Stephen Branchflower, who is leading the legislative investigation, is scheduled to release his final report on Friday, October 10, 2008 to the Alaskan state legislative council. That council will then vote on how to take action on the investigation’s findings.

And in another move to preempt the release of the legislative investigation of Troopergate, Sarah Palin has cleared herself of any wrong-doing via release of her own report this Thursday, October 9, 2008. [Note: I didn’t know you could clear yourself of accused wrong-doing. They have strange customs in Alaska.]

Todd Palin’s activities as a “shadow governor” have attracted increasing criticism both within and outside of Alaska. While not being a paid government employee he collected thousands of dollars in travel reimbursement from Alaska. He has also sat with his wife Sarah during high level, government meetings and was the sole person who worked with his wife Sarah in developing the state budget last year. Todd Palin has a high school diploma and no background in public policy or government service.

Update October 10: I believe that the National Enquirer is referring to Todd Palin’s affidavit. That document was leaked by Todd Palin’s lawyer and the McCain-Palin campaign in advance of the legislative investigation of Tropergate. Yet another take on Todd’s affidavit and how it contradicts his previous assertions and proves embarrassing to Sarah Palin.


National Enquirer October 13 Issue: Stunning Silence on Sarah Palin

October 3, 2008

October 2, 2008. Virtually Wasilla, Alaska. – In an amazing turn of events, this week’s National Enquirer does not feature another tawdry expose of vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

From a live blog in the lower 48, I was able to locate wearied National Enquirer reporters as they huddled in a smoky, fish-stained Wasilla bar named The Green Zone. After numbing their sorrows with many pitchers of Moosehead beer, they offered me this exclusive, uncensored glimpse into the world of Palin rumor hunting.

“It’s a war zone out there,” lamented a senior reporter who asked only to be identified as Snarls Rove. “Every time you think you have a storyline to pursue, another one rears its head up. Kids are stopping you  on the streets, their arms loaded with crystal meth and video footage of yet another wild night on the town with a Palin teenager. Women covered from head to toe in fleece and Polartec charge at you, screaming about how she’s seduced their husbands while discussing the finer points of snowmobile access on federal lands. I tried using the state troopers as security escorts, but I stopped after they started slipping me photos of Todd Palin snowmobiling on religious holidays. I am now a prisoner in his hell-hole.”

After peeling her tongue off of a cold pole that was inexplicably mounted vertically in the middle of The Green Zone’s modest dance stage, another reporter identified only as Spindly McCainn spoke about how cross-border attacks had impeded her reporting effectiveness.

“We were told that the locals would embrace us a heroes. That we offered them alternative press coverage their local papers were afraid to report. But an unmitigated barrage from the left and right, from the DailyKos, Huffington Post, YouTube, the Mudflats, MSNBC, FoxNews, National Review Online, and my nephew’s 24/7 texting have given them false media idols to worship.” She paused to remove a soiled Hamilton from her cleavage before continuing. “And I don’t want to be around my sister when she gets the cell phone bill. Their family plan doesn’t offer free texting.”

“Who needs our rag,” lamented reporter Rove. “We cost $3.45 plus tax and our top story this week is about weight loss.”

“It’s important to maintain our health,” reporter McCain cooed supportively as she stroked Rove’s damp forehead with one hand and used the other to pop a red pill into her mouth and wash it back with a Rolling Rock chaser.

“We took our eye off of the real enemy,” fumed reporter Rove as he climbed off of his bar stool and into the embrace of a newly cured grizzly bear skin strewn across the muddied, wood planked floor. “We had her in our sights, but no one was willing to give the word to take her out. Well, next time I’m going to hold onto the television remote and no one’s getting it until she’s off the air.”

Reporter McCain answered my puzzled look. “It’s Katie. Katie ‘Hussein’ Couric. She’s mesmerized millions with her softball questions, cheerleader warmth, and blue-eyed stares of bafflement. Her videos have been broadcast across the Internet to countless households.” Bending towards me, she whispered, “I’m following up on a hot, new tip. After spending all that time with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin is ready to leave politics to pursue a career in television journalism. Can you imagine the economic crisis that would unleash on Main Street tabloids?”

Previous National Enquirer articles on Palin have covered her alleged affair with Brad Hanson in 1996, her son Track’s addictions and vandalism of school buses, and daughter Bristol’s marijuana and alcohol use caught on video.

National Enquirer Oct 6 Issue: Sarah Palin’s Other Man Revealed

September 26, 2008


  • Multiple sources report that in 1996 Sarah Palin engaged in an extramarital affair with her husband’s former snow mobile business partner, Brad Hanson. These sources include three members of Hanson’s family who describe it as an “open secret” among close family members that there was an affair. Only relatively recently, however, has Sarah Palin been named as the other woman.
  • Palin denies cheating on her husband. Brad Hanson denies cheating on his wife.
  • Brad Hanson’s wife Carolyn has allegedly told family members that it happened. And after threatening to leave Brad and take the children back to Arizona with her, he broke it off with Sarah. So Brad and Carolyn are still married.
  • At the time of the affair, Todd Palin was away a lot fishing and working at the North Slope. Brad and Sarah were both interested in politics. Sarah was mayor of Wasilla and Brad was on the Palmer city council.
  • Brad Hanson’s name has been coming up in the press as the man Sarah had an affair with. Carolyn called family members (brother Craig Bratton and sister Marily Bowden) earlier this month to confirm that there had been an affair but then asked family members to deny that it happened if any reporters asked. However, several family members have spoken. One includes Jim Burdett — a former brother-in-law of Carolyn Hanson’s brother Craig Bratton. He underwent a polygraph test with the National Enquirer to support his allegations. Other family members have signed affidavits with the National Enquirer. Carolyn’s brother and sister have either refused to speak to the National Enquirer or else have denied that an affair occurred.
  • Carolyn Hanson initially refused to speak with the National Enquirer. Then she called back and stated that there was no truth to the story; that it was just a rumor.
  • Brad Hanson states that he and Todd are still friends.
  • The exact nature of the affair is not clear. One source says that Sarah confided the “infidelity” to a close friend. Another says that there was a “romantic relationship” that was “never consummated”. Rather, Brad was a good listener, Sarah was lonely, and Sarah fell in love with Brad. She allegedly confessed to Todd that she had with Brad an “affair of the heart”, Todd took the news badly and dissolved the business he had with Brad.
  • The incident nearly broke up both marriages.

Questions that Remain:

  • What does the American public define as “cheating” or an “affair”? Will this become a battle of linguistics? Bill Clinton said he “never had sex with that woman” — which technically in the minds of many Americans (and probably Bill) was true. But in the minds of other Americans, what they did was “sex”. And Bill Clinton was publicly crucified for it.
  • The McCain campaign has denied an affair and threatened to sue the National Enquirer. But can the  McCain campaign sue the tabloid for reporting an “affair of the heart”?
  • Is Sarah lying? Did she have something close enough to be considered “sex” (or minimally very heavy petting) with Brad and tell Todd and friends that it was an “affair of the heart” as part of damage control and misdirection? Sarah has a history of holding onto secrets (e.g., keeping her last pregnancy a secret from family and friends for seven months). If she is so good at keeping secrets, then why blurt about an “affair of the heart” to anyone?
  • Is this why Todd hangs around Sarah so much at work?

Sarah Palin Affair: National Enquirer has a Name

September 24, 2008

After saying numerous times that Sarah never had an affair, the McCain-Palin campaign may have to backtrack. The National Enquirer got members of Brad Hanson’s family to go on record about the affair. Brad Hanson had been named by other sources as the man who had an affair with Sarah Palin back in 1996.

Here’s the National Enquirer story.

I don’t know how the McCain-Palin campaign will spin this. I’m assuming that Sarah had the sense to not save any blue (or red!) dresses. And I don’t know if the public will buy “falling in love” with someone who isn’t your spouse as “not having an affair”. Stay tuned. I’ll get a copy of the paper when it hits the racks.

But given that Sarah Palin is refusing all unchaperoned media interviews and is busy learning how to meet leaders of foreign countries, maybe McCain-Palin will simply ignore the story. And she better start cramming for Econ. Her finals are coming up!

National Enquirer, Sept 29 Issue: Bristol and the Drug Video

September 19, 2008


  • It’s a two year old video done by a friend of Bristol. It was made right before Sarah Palin became governor.
  • Bristol poses for a camera while someone yells, “And here’s the future governor of Alaska’s daughter.” She smiles at the camera, and then inhales from a pot pipe, holds her breath, exhales, and then laughs uncontrollably.
  • The friend characterizes the party as just another night for Bristol and the other wild kids in Wasilla where everyone was drinking and smoking pot.
  • Levi Johnston, the 18 year old father of Bristol’s baby, dealt OxyContin, a prescription opiate used for pain control. That’s the drug that Track Palin was reported to be addicted to in the Sept 22 issue. Levi got it from a family member who had a prescription and sold it for quite a lot of money. (According to an NPR story, the street price of OxyContin was $80 a pill in 2005. I imagine that OxyContin, similarly to many other items in Alaska, is significantly more expensive in Alaska than in the lower 48 states.) Apparently there is a large demand for it in Wasilla, crystal meth capital of Alaska.
  • Levi Johnston smoked OxyContin, injected steroids, and snorted cocaine.
  • Levi Johnston is NOT eager to get married to Bristol. No dates appear to be set for the marriage.
  • Levi and Bristol having sex for the first time was big news in town. It happened at an outdoor party where they slipped away and had sex in a tent.

My conclusions:

The story is probably true. The National Enquirer is in the business of buying gossip to sell their magazine. They’re not interested in being sued and losing money for printing lies. And high school kids do these things; it happens to lots of families that I know. I also am fortunate to know many engaged, responsible, intelligent, and resourceful teenagers, but there are also many lost and out of control souls. So I find this back story much more plausible than a chaste scenario where Bristol and Levi had one sexual encounter after a particularly arousing bible study session that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. And while the media is fixated on Bristol’s pregnancy, they’re skimming the other concerns about a woman having unprotected sex such as leaving herself open to sexually transmitted diseases and HIV infection.

It’s also interesting to see the wording of the story. The National Enquirer reports knowing about the video but do not indicate that they have the video in their possession. I wonder if this means that whoever took the video is going to let the story leak, get the video authenticated, and then sell it to the highest bidder. As far as I know, the National Enquirer is a purely print business and does not broadcast video.

I think the lessons behind story are that you should never let teenagers have video cameras, always choose your friends wisely, and parents need to be vigilant about their children. Having a husband who works two-week shifts at a job thousands of miles from home (Todd), holding down a job based 800 miles away from home (Sarah), and having five children in the house (Todd and Sarah) makes it difficult to know what your kids are doing. You need to make smart choices and establish boundaries and standards of conduct with your children. And you need to be around enough to reinforce these standards of behavior. Most teenagers are not able to make the smart choices for themselves. And a small town is by no means a prophylactic against drugs, drinking, and teenage sex. People I know who grew up in rural America tell me that it’s easy to run wild as a teenager when you don’t have a police force, you and your friends are are bored, and everyone drives starting from a young age.

Having yourself and your husband full-time on the campaign trail also means that you’re not watching the kids. Or helping your unmarried teenage daughter with her first pregnancy.

I’m also assuming that Sarah and John McCain are are hoping and praying that there wasn’t enough light in that tent to enable video taping of the sex.

And it still astounds me that given what was happening at home that Sarah Palin accepted the position of being John McCain’s running mate. She did not appear to be making a smart, deliberate choice. I realize that it must be extremely flattering to be asked to run, but it is also important to ask if it is a prudent decision for yourself and your family. My conclusion is that Sarah was in serious denial about her children’s behavior and she is blindly ambitious. Or, perhaps more frighteningly, she feels that she has been tapped for this job by God and is carrying out a religious mission. Unfortunately, given her extremely rigid and literal religious beliefs this is not a far-fetched a conclusion. And there is indeed evidence that she will act according to her religious beliefs. And that she believes that a prayer by a witch hunting pastor (No, this is not a typo. I really meant to type witch hunting pastor) got her elected governor. This is a newly posted video (mostly audio) where Pastor Muthee’s speaks about his religious beliefs which include using violence to promote his  religious agenda. Sorry, I wish I were kidding.

She does not present herself as the kind of person to take a breath, step back, and think things through. And I feel badly for Bristol and Track and the other kids. Regardless of the conflicting stories floating around about the kids “voting” on Sarah running for vice-president, I really doubt that they had any voice in this decision.