Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Top Ten Imaginary Friends Named Joe That John McCain Will Befriend to Help Him Win the Election

October 17, 2008
  1. Joe the Plumber. His Story: He says he can’t afford to buy his own plumbing business under Barack Obama’s tax plan.  But in the end it turns out he’s not really a plumber and he’s better off tax-wise under Obama than McCain. And he’s named “Sam”. Yet through it all he clings to his fantasy life.  (done)
  2. Joe the Red-Neck, Racist, Loyal Republican Voter. His Story: His name is spelled correctly at the registrar of voters office, so he gets to vote this November. He has half-siblings named Jovan the Voter, Jonetta the Voter, and Joji the Voter with whom he is not on speaking terms.
  3. Joe the Angry Hooligan in the Audience. His Story: Only John McCain is able to calm him as he screams “kill him” and “terrorist” at a startled, elderly woman with a “Yes We Can – Obama ’08” lapel button. This is caught on television as evidence of McCain’s kinder, gentler side.
  4. Joe the Flutist. His Story: His playing doesn’t rally flutists against him like Sarah Palin’s playing does. Instead of the Facebook Group “Flutists Against Sarah Palin” there’s a Facebook Group called “Flutists Named Joe Against Sarah Palin”.
  5. Joe the Woman in the Audience Frightened of Arabs. Her Story: She’s not only uncertain about the sanctity of our nation’s borders under Obama, but she’s not all that certain about her gender either. Neither candidate wants to answer her health care questions.
  6. Joe the Kegger. His Story: Able to consume beer more economically than his spendthrift, six-pack a day brother.
  7. Joe the Flame of Florida. His Story: He’s 50 years younger than the original “Marie the Flame of Florida” and much more flexible.
  8. Joe the General Contractor. His Story: One plumber isn’t enough to maintain McCain’s eight (or ten?) homes.
  9. Joe the Talk Show Host. His Story: He promises not to get mad at John McCain regardless of how many dates he breaks.
  10. Joe the Maverick. His Story: Lost out to James Garner for a movie and television career when the studio decided that “Brett” was a more honest sounding name than “Joe”.

And the losers?

  1. Joe Six-Pack Abs. His Story: He can’t be John McCain’s friend because that would take away from his time in the gym.
  2. Joe Cool. HIs Story: This fine specimen of a beagle keeps his distance from John’s pitbull, Sarah.
  3. Joe Camel. His Story: Cancer. We don’t need the voters thinking about cancer.
  4. Joe McCarthy. His Story: Too liberal for Sarah Palin’s taste.
  5. Joe Lieberman: His Story: Too undependable.
  6. Joe Frazier: His Story: After he lost to Ali, everyone started calling him “That One”.
  7. Joe Montana. His Story: Why emphasize that John McCain may lose the state?
  8. Joe Biden. His Story: Is he available?
  9. Joe Wurzelbacher. His Story: His name’s too hard to remember and we need a real plumber.
  10. Joe the Husband of Mary and Father of Jesus. His Story: Do I need to repeat myself? We need a PLUMBER! And his son was a community organizer, which is a questionable line of work.
  11. Joe the Heiress Wife. Her Story: She’s paying a tax rate of 26% on reported income of $4.2 million for 2007. That’s something that you don’t want to emphasize when you’re trying not to be elite.
  12. Joe the Thoughtful Evangelical Christian. Her Story: She’s voting for Obama.

A List of Fair and Non-Partisan Questions for Sarah Palin

October 11, 2008

It’s been a week since Sarah’s coming out debate with Joe Biden, but it’s been a disappointing week. Except for a few interviews (mostly with FoxNews), a couple of chats on local television affiliates, and a 15-minute exchange with her traveling press corps, there’s been no real opportunity to learn about Sarah. She’s spoken before many rallies and riled up the crowds, but she’s never been given an opportunity to answer fair and non-partisan questions from the press that she’s waiting for.

Until now.

I have gathered the greatest media minds that I know and put together a simple, multiple choice questionnaire that Sarah or any fifth-grader could answer during juice break. I’m hoping that Sarah and/or her spokesperson could find the time to provide us the answers we need to “getcha” know her better.

Here goes:

1. Who is your favorite actor on NBC’s Saturday Night Live?
    a. Ronald Reagan
    b. The maverick one
    c. Tiny Fey
    d. Any woman not prettier than myself

2. If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you want as your sole companion?
    a. Brad Hanson (Warning: This is the gotcha question!)
    b. A Real American
    c. Bullwinkle and a gun
    d. Can I choose something other than fish?

3. If you found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared to grant you one wish, what would you wish for?
    a. A world filled with small-town values that do not mock me
    b. Another chance to play “The Homecoming” on my flute during the talent portion of the Miss Alaska pagent. If only I hadn’t missed that one note….
    c. “We had a great discussion with President Zardari as we talked about what it is that America can and should be doing together to make sure that the terrorists do not cross borders and do not ultimately put themselves in a position of attacking America again or her allies. And we will do what we have to do to secure the United States of America and her allies.”
    d. A prayer to put the evil witch back into the lamp (Warning: This might be a gotcha question!)

4. What is your favorite animal?
    a. That’s sexist.
    b. A middle American working mom
    c. God
    d. Whatever my running mate proposes for energy independence.

5. Aside from a Palin presidency, what would you like to leave as your legacy?
    a. A Palin presidency
    b. A hockey mom on every Main Street
    c. A Bridge to Walmart
    d. A Putin afraid to fly Russia over Alaska the airspace of narrow maritime border when he rears up and sees not us bordering Canada to the other side a heartbeat away from the good guys. Ya betcha.

Top Ten Methods the McCain-Palin Ticket Employs to Incite Mob Violence

October 9, 2008
  1. Informs American women that facial hair removal will not be included in the Obama-Biden health care plan.
  2. Starts a smear campaign associating Barack Obama with Pontius Pilate, Benedict Arnold, Aaron Burr, Lee Harvey Oswald, Marcus Junius Brutus, Darth Vader, Judas Iscariot, Adolph Hitler, and Todd and Sarah Palin.
  3. Tells us that we are all prisoners of evil forces that feed us a simulated reality called the FoxMatrix.
  4. Sends Sarah and Todd Palin to Flint, Michigan where they stand on a street corner and say, “The economy is fundamentally strong.”
  5. Instead of handing out those six-packs, has Sarah Palin play the extended, dance version of “The Homecoming” on her flute as the warm-up to their political rallies.
  6. Gives Brad Hanson Sarah Palin’s new cell phone number so they can catch up on old times.
  7. Goes to a crowded  movie theater and yells, “Hussein! Black man! Fire!“.
  8. Puts the White House up for sale on EBay and sells it at a loss.
  9. Tells all those people fleeing to Alaska for the End Times and Rapture that they will not qualify for rebate checks.
  10. John will put on some heels, take off his gloves, and do a strip tease with his old “Flame of Florida” at a VFW event.

Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Will Not Appear on Saturday Night Live

October 9, 2008
  1. It’s filmed at night and that’s when witchcraft is most powerful.
  2. It’s on a Saturday and she will be sharing Shabbot  with Jews for Jesus leader David Brinker.
  3. It’s a live show. Remember when Sinead O’Connor appeared on SNL?
  4. It’s in New York City and the state of Alaska has already told her that she cannot bill them for a per diem if she goes there.
  5. Er … she doesn’t have a sense of humor about herself and they think she’ll be a flop?
  6. Her flute is in the shop getting repaired.
  7. Madonna will be the surprise musical guest.
  8. John McCain’s been making goo-goo eyes at Tina Fey so Sarah’s afraid to leave his side.
  9. Todd is worried that she’ll develop an affair of the heart with Lorne Michaels.
  10. She’ll be down the street getting ready for her interview with David Letterman.

Update October 11th: Let’s add number 11 for luck. Do you think her reception will be any better than the one she received when she dropped the puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game? The SNL studio band will not be able to drown out the boos.

Top Ten Ways McCain Will Distract Voters as We Near Election Day

October 7, 2008
  1. Arrange for aliens to abduct and artificially inseminate Sarah Palin.
  2. Have Pastor Muthee suspend his prayers and allow witchcraft to cast a sleeping spell over all undecided voters.
  3. Repeat the word “maverick” over 1,476 times during the remaining debates to incapacitate Obama supporters with alcohol poisoning during drinking games.
  4. Pay Track Palin $20 to let the air out of all the tires of the Army’s humvees thus ending the the war in Iraq.
  5. Knuckle-bump Sarah Palin while on the campagin trail.
  6. Have Cindy McCain adopt half of the registered voters in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Virginia, and Florida.
  7. Promote a Todd Palin / Kimbo Slice cage match.
  8. Send Sarah Palin to band camp until she learns how to play the flute in tune.
  9. Make a surprise announcement that he is suspending Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.
  10. Put on some heels, take off his gloves, and do a strip tease with his old “Flame of Florida”.