Top Ten Imaginary Friends Named Joe That John McCain Will Befriend to Help Him Win the Election

  1. Joe the Plumber. His Story: He says he can’t afford to buy his own plumbing business under Barack Obama’s tax plan.  But in the end it turns out he’s not really a plumber and he’s better off tax-wise under Obama than McCain. And he’s named “Sam”. Yet through it all he clings to his fantasy life.  (done)
  2. Joe the Red-Neck, Racist, Loyal Republican Voter. His Story: His name is spelled correctly at the registrar of voters office, so he gets to vote this November. He has half-siblings named Jovan the Voter, Jonetta the Voter, and Joji the Voter with whom he is not on speaking terms.
  3. Joe the Angry Hooligan in the Audience. His Story: Only John McCain is able to calm him as he screams “kill him” and “terrorist” at a startled, elderly woman with a “Yes We Can – Obama ’08” lapel button. This is caught on television as evidence of McCain’s kinder, gentler side.
  4. Joe the Flutist. His Story: His playing doesn’t rally flutists against him like Sarah Palin’s playing does. Instead of the Facebook Group “Flutists Against Sarah Palin” there’s a Facebook Group called “Flutists Named Joe Against Sarah Palin”.
  5. Joe the Woman in the Audience Frightened of Arabs. Her Story: She’s not only uncertain about the sanctity of our nation’s borders under Obama, but she’s not all that certain about her gender either. Neither candidate wants to answer her health care questions.
  6. Joe the Kegger. His Story: Able to consume beer more economically than his spendthrift, six-pack a day brother.
  7. Joe the Flame of Florida. His Story: He’s 50 years younger than the original “Marie the Flame of Florida” and much more flexible.
  8. Joe the General Contractor. His Story: One plumber isn’t enough to maintain McCain’s eight (or ten?) homes.
  9. Joe the Talk Show Host. His Story: He promises not to get mad at John McCain regardless of how many dates he breaks.
  10. Joe the Maverick. His Story: Lost out to James Garner for a movie and television career when the studio decided that “Brett” was a more honest sounding name than “Joe”.

And the losers?

  1. Joe Six-Pack Abs. His Story: He can’t be John McCain’s friend because that would take away from his time in the gym.
  2. Joe Cool. HIs Story: This fine specimen of a beagle keeps his distance from John’s pitbull, Sarah.
  3. Joe Camel. His Story: Cancer. We don’t need the voters thinking about cancer.
  4. Joe McCarthy. His Story: Too liberal for Sarah Palin’s taste.
  5. Joe Lieberman: His Story: Too undependable.
  6. Joe Frazier: His Story: After he lost to Ali, everyone started calling him “That One”.
  7. Joe Montana. His Story: Why emphasize that John McCain may lose the state?
  8. Joe Biden. His Story: Is he available?
  9. Joe Wurzelbacher. His Story: His name’s too hard to remember and we need a real plumber.
  10. Joe the Husband of Mary and Father of Jesus. His Story: Do I need to repeat myself? We need a PLUMBER! And his son was a community organizer, which is a questionable line of work.
  11. Joe the Heiress Wife. Her Story: She’s paying a tax rate of 26% on reported income of $4.2 million for 2007. That’s something that you don’t want to emphasize when you’re trying not to be elite.
  12. Joe the Thoughtful Evangelical Christian. Her Story: She’s voting for Obama.
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