National Enquirer October 13 Issue: Stunning Silence on Sarah Palin

October 2, 2008. Virtually Wasilla, Alaska. – In an amazing turn of events, this week’s National Enquirer does not feature another tawdry expose of vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

From a live blog in the lower 48, I was able to locate wearied National Enquirer reporters as they huddled in a smoky, fish-stained Wasilla bar named The Green Zone. After numbing their sorrows with many pitchers of Moosehead beer, they offered me this exclusive, uncensored glimpse into the world of Palin rumor hunting.

“It’s a war zone out there,” lamented a senior reporter who asked only to be identified as Snarls Rove. “Every time you think you have a storyline to pursue, another one rears its head up. Kids are stopping you  on the streets, their arms loaded with crystal meth and video footage of yet another wild night on the town with a Palin teenager. Women covered from head to toe in fleece and Polartec charge at you, screaming about how she’s seduced their husbands while discussing the finer points of snowmobile access on federal lands. I tried using the state troopers as security escorts, but I stopped after they started slipping me photos of Todd Palin snowmobiling on religious holidays. I am now a prisoner in his hell-hole.”

After peeling her tongue off of a cold pole that was inexplicably mounted vertically in the middle of The Green Zone’s modest dance stage, another reporter identified only as Spindly McCainn spoke about how cross-border attacks had impeded her reporting effectiveness.

“We were told that the locals would embrace us a heroes. That we offered them alternative press coverage their local papers were afraid to report. But an unmitigated barrage from the left and right, from the DailyKos, Huffington Post, YouTube, the Mudflats, MSNBC, FoxNews, National Review Online, and my nephew’s 24/7 texting have given them false media idols to worship.” She paused to remove a soiled Hamilton from her cleavage before continuing. “And I don’t want to be around my sister when she gets the cell phone bill. Their family plan doesn’t offer free texting.”

“Who needs our rag,” lamented reporter Rove. “We cost $3.45 plus tax and our top story this week is about weight loss.”

“It’s important to maintain our health,” reporter McCain cooed supportively as she stroked Rove’s damp forehead with one hand and used the other to pop a red pill into her mouth and wash it back with a Rolling Rock chaser.

“We took our eye off of the real enemy,” fumed reporter Rove as he climbed off of his bar stool and into the embrace of a newly cured grizzly bear skin strewn across the muddied, wood planked floor. “We had her in our sights, but no one was willing to give the word to take her out. Well, next time I’m going to hold onto the television remote and no one’s getting it until she’s off the air.”

Reporter McCain answered my puzzled look. “It’s Katie. Katie ‘Hussein’ Couric. She’s mesmerized millions with her softball questions, cheerleader warmth, and blue-eyed stares of bafflement. Her videos have been broadcast across the Internet to countless households.” Bending towards me, she whispered, “I’m following up on a hot, new tip. After spending all that time with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin is ready to leave politics to pursue a career in television journalism. Can you imagine the economic crisis that would unleash on Main Street tabloids?”

Previous National Enquirer articles on Palin have covered her alleged affair with Brad Hanson in 1996, her son Track’s addictions and vandalism of school buses, and daughter Bristol’s marijuana and alcohol use caught on video.

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