Sarah Palin is Not Gay, Just Ask the Wasilla Bible Church

I was all set either to comment about Sarah Palin’s Troopergate scandal or her involvement with Senator Ted Stevens who is under indictment for bribery. But then the liberal media struck again and now I find myself writing about a subject near and dear to my heart: Sarah Palin’s churchSarah Palin is not Gay

Sarah doesn’t live in Wasilla anymore, but she grew up there and currently attends the Wasilla Bible Church. (Not to be confused with the Wasilla Assembly of God where Sarah grew up, was baptised, and continues to attend for important functions to show her continued support and commitment.) I guess she needed to worship at a more serious institution rather than one that, in my opinion, spends too much time on the cell phone. The Wasilla Bible Church takes its purpose seriously. It has recently come to light that has an entire mission to “pray away the gay”.

That’s such a good idea. Shouldn’t we all stop being gay and get serious? You know Sarah Palin isn’t gay. But according to the Log Cabin Republicans (a happy group of people who consider themselves gay), she has gay friends. Sarah isn’t too out about that detail, too. You have to hunt on their site under their blogs to find the part about her saying she has good friends who are gay. Look carefully, or you’ll miss it hidden there in the middle. Well, they’re open-minded guys a the Log Cabin Republicans so I guess she is, too. And as a bonus for being her friend she prays that they stop being so gay! Get serious, boys and girls!

It would seem be crazy to be gay right now with a looming recession, collapse of financial institutions due to an excess of subprime mortgages, an endless war that’s costing us $5 billion a month, escalating medical costs for veterans and the average working American, and endless and depressing reports of bribery and kickbacks among members of Congress. Not to mention the obscene vet bill I racked up for my pussy.

Oops. I forget why, but for some reason I’m not supposed to write the word “vet”. I think some people consider it a dirty word.

Who can be gay? It’s positively gaudy to be happy during these times. What the country needs is a make over. And not one of those ridiculous ones that most politicians promise: We need something absolutely fabulous. We need community organizers to rally us, because relying on government is no solution. And we need change, energy, and ideas clear out of the blue. It’ll bring sparkle back to our lives.

I am sitting here getting hot and bothered about these issues and have made up my mind to shed my fear; I will be brave. I’m going to write my all-time favorite talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres, and beg that she use her clout to talk about all the serious issues facing our country. I feel such a special bond with Ellen. When she speaks to the camera I feel as though she’s not just speaking to a lens but that she’s speaking directly to me. I get all warm and tingly just watching her. She’s special and so naturally perfect just the way she is. I just want to tell her: Ellen, I pray that you don’t change!

I know Sarah Palin. She’s a Republican, so she understands what it’s like to be in the middle of a serious mess. So there’s no reason to believe that Sarah Palin is walking around acting all gay. It’s a serious world that she, John McCain, George Bush, and Dick Cheney are responsible for landing us in.

And Sarah is just about to learn how more serious her world is: She has a grandchild on the way. I feel for her. You really don’t know what can happen in this crazy, mixed up world. But in case the gun jams and the marriage doesn’t go through (cross your fingers, don’t jinx anything, and keep that barrel clean) I’m certain that Sarah can learn a lot about being the grandparent of an unmarried child from Dick and Lynne Cheney. Unlike Sarah Palin, I don’t know the Cheneys. So far be it for me to speculate why their daughter, Mary, isn’t married. Remember: Everyone has a right to privacy! I remember that when Mary was having her baby she told everyone that a baby was human being and not a “symbol” — so back off. You know how touchy expectant mothers get. And being unmarried has to weigh on her. Maybe Sarah can help Mary get married: You know Sarah loves people being married.

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